I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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