i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
