he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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