I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
