I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
