after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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