I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
