and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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