Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
