the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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