i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My day in three words: secret purse cake
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
