I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
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You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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