I looked at my own cervix.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
