When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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