so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
