We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
