he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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