I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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