The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
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First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
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I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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