the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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