I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
