take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
