Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
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So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
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I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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