my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
