Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
