I hate all girls vehemently.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
