you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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