Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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