I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
