wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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