I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
