did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
