I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
When did angry sex become our thing?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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