Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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