he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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