I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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