Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
