I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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