i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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