i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
