I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We left the knife in your bed.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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