Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
