So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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