I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
