the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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