Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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