My liver just broke up with me...
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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