I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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