Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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