Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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