Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
