Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Randomize
