Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
