You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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