I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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