guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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