That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
