Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
