period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
