I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
