My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
