Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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