hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
