I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
